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[Dec. 20th, 2011|05:52 pm] |
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This time of year's pretty great. Spent last night getting my parents house elves completely aresholed with eggnog. They fell all over their damn selves trying to serve guests and spilled drinks all over the place. Sister helped. Bonding time guess you could say. Then again she'd do anything to sabotage our parents parties. |
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[Nov. 26th, 2011|09:18 pm] |
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Had one of those stuffy dinners with my parents last night. Had to wash my hair. Put on a suit to eat at some stuffy restaurant. Guess they wanted me to behave. Be civilized and all. Almost got their wish. Best part of the night was when the maitre d realized I write that column for the prophet. My dad looked like he shit his pants in anger. A vein bulged in his forehead the rest of the night. He don't like how I'm earning my living. Too lewd. I don't reflect well on the Pucey name. Can't wait to rub the column in his face in front of relative at christmas. Relatives are gonna ask. |
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[Nov. 14th, 2011|10:00 pm] |
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Hey Chang I got a commission for you. Why don't you come over and make a cast of my prick. Better bring a lot of plaster. |
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[Oct. 30th, 2011|10:21 am] |
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I enjoy Halloween but not when my sister dresses like a whore. S'cool for other women to do it. Highly recommend it. Put those tits on display. Just not my sister. Gonna beat that punk who convinced her to dress up as his healer's slutty assistant. |
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[Oct. 16th, 2011|10:59 pm] |
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Sometimes training trolls is damn boring. Today wasn't though. One of em liked the Weird Sisters. Really liked em. He was trying to sing or some shit to that hippogriff song. There's a part where the singer says na na na na na na after every line in the chorus. Damn troll started moaning and groaning nnnuuuaaaaahhh each time the na nas started. Other trolls didn't like it for sure. He got his ass beat. |
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[Sep. 16th, 2011|08:46 pm] |
| Private to Nott|
How's slummin it with Granger?
|Private to Daphne Greengrass|
You get through to Nott on his mudblood yet? |
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[Sep. 4th, 2011|10:32 pm] |
I'm gonna include what I wrote for the prophet here so it reaches more people.
I'm taking a break from the regularly scheduled social criticism today to write about a guy. Let me preface my article by saying this: I still like the ladies. I'm just trying to help a guy out, and I can help you ladies out in the process. Intrigued? Read on then.
Today I'm devoting my column to Theodore Nott. The man hit a snag in his dating life, and I seek to fix that. (See, there's nothing wrong with helping a friend out.) I'm holding a contest. Ladies, you can have the chance to win a date with Theodore Nott. He's quite a catch. He's cut from the wood of dark, mysterious types. He knows how to dress to impress--trust me, this guy wears silk pajamas. He has more galleons than he can count, considering he's a representative for the British and Irish Quidditch League. Think of all the swag he rakes in and Quidditch stars he meets.
Let's construct his stereotypical dating profile, shall we?
Single white Quidditch afficionado seeks an intelligent, caring female for taking in matches, long discussions of the important things in life, and cuddles.
Translation: I'm looking for a girl with a functioning frontal lobe to have pretentious converations with to make it seem like my only goal isn't to get into her knickers... but it so is.
Fair enough, right? I should add there are requirements for the ladies seeking to win a date with Theodore. You can't be diseased. You can't have titties smaller than a C cup, and they better not sag to your knees. Don't be a legal midget. You can't have any hairy moles. Impeccable hygiene is a must. You must have all your teeth. The purer your blood, the better. I guess if you're a halfbood that's OK, but don't expect miracles.
To enter, please send the following information to Adrian Pucey, c/o the Daily Prophet:
Name:
Age:
Breast Size:
Blood Status:
Hair Color:
Eye Color:
Height:
Weight:
Waist Size:
Rate your flexibility:
A crazy fact about yourself:
Why you should win a date with Theodore Nott:
A winner will be announced September 10. |
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[Aug. 20th, 2011|09:02 am] |
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Sometimes I think training security trolls'd be more fun if I could make em smoke gillyweed. |
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[Aug. 3rd, 2011|07:08 pm] |
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My prick needs entertained. Any takers? Or any blokes wanna go see some strippers? |
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[Jul. 28th, 2011|09:42 pm] |
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Got my sister drunk the other day. Decided to take my revenge for all the times she drew unicorns on my damn bedroom walls when she was younger. I drew something on her forehead alright as payback. My parents grounded her for it. She was piss drunk and don't know how it got there. |
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[Jul. 10th, 2011|02:51 pm] |
Anyone care to tell me how Briony Runcorn can stay on a broomstick with an ass like that?
| Warded to Melinda |
Oh look I warded you. You must be special. |
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[Jun. 23rd, 2011|11:17 pm] |
How's a guy tossed in jail for possessing dragon eggs when he's being investigated for house elf abuse? Shit man I can't even write bout what amuses me these days. House elves react of their own will you know? Not like I command em to throw themselves down stairs for not picking up my socks.
You ministry workers are fucking gits. Don't got nothing better to do than police people through their writing? Where are my damn freedoms? Waste the galleons I pay for your salaries by investigating shit that matters. Get off your lazy asses and do real work.
I want my fucking dragon eggs back.
Worst thing about jail? I didn't get no conjugal visits. |
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[Jun. 15th, 2011|08:57 pm] |
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Love it when the family house elf comes and cleans up my place. I tell him he missed spots just to watch him slam his fingers in doors and shut his head in the oven. |
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[Jun. 3rd, 2011|06:53 pm] |
| Ward to Terrence |
When you call a girl a post op tranny it apparently makes her want to get in your pants.
You should try it on Ella sometime. |
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[May. 16th, 2011|07:45 pm] |
Guess who has a job? Or two?
I'm the new humor columnist for the prophet. You can read me on fridays. Thanks T. Can't wait to meet my new prophet coworkers.
I also took a part time gig training security trolls to help pay the bills. Hagrid helped out there. This is a wise move considering so many women tell me I'm a troll.
Hey Greengrass. Why don't you and your equally titless contortionist friend come over and apologize for that party? You two should only be wearing those boots. |
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[May. 4th, 2011|08:17 pm] |
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Got a job interview on friday. Guess I gotta practice a firm handshake on things other than my dick. Any takers? |
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[Apr. 15th, 2011|02:51 pm] |
| Warded to Terrence |
Hey pissdick. Still got those water balloons lying around? |
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[Apr. 13th, 2011|08:04 pm] |
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Not having a job gives me time to think. Today's epiphany. Strap on is no parts spelled backwards. |
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[Apr. 6th, 2011|04:08 pm] |
Walked into work today. Got sent right back to my flat. They don’t want me no more. The boss got an owl from Hogwarts. I’m not allowed to set foot on the grounds right now. Not sure who but someone got their knickers bunched up.
I had to sign a form for my firing. This was some pretty official looking shit. The reason for my dismissal on it was pretty sweet. Said something like I was acting as an unauthorized proxy attempting to solicit unwanted sex for a Hogwarts lecturer. That make me a pimp?
Hot damn. This pimp needs a new job. |
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[Apr. 4th, 2011|08:38 pm] |
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ATTENTION POST OP TRANNIES. SPECIFICALLY MEN WHO ARE NOW WOMEN. See Melinda Bobbin for your selflubrication needs. He's an expert on that. |
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